My heart was pounding out of my chest.
My only thought was, “How did I even get here?” All my worries had built
up until I couldn’t even think straight or comprehend anyone talking to me. Any
questions I had were monotonous, irrational, or seemed just plain silly. My
emotions were a roller coaster and there was no getting off. As soon as I
stepped off the plane, a sense of peace gave my heart a little squeeze and a
small voice fought its way to my soul that says, “You know this place, you’ve
been here before. I’ve brought you here for a reason.” With a sense of courage,
I walked boldly into a summer that would take the biggest piece of my heart,
and the most out of me that I ever bargained for.
This summer was a time of
challenging growth, the art of finding myself, and seeking out how to love
unconditionally like the Father. I had the privilege of spending six weeks as
an intern at the Haven in Zambia. The Haven is a loving place where children go
when they have lost a parent, have health conditions, or need a temporary home
because of an unfortunate situation. The goal of the Haven is to care for the
children until the time comes when they can return home with their family,
immediate or extended. I had the beautiful opportunity to study abroad at this
same place just a short two years ago, so me returning to a familiar place that
God has engraved on my heart was a true blessing and gracious gift. Even still,
the emotions I felt were quite unmatched to any other.
Unlike my study abroad experience,
this summer I was immersed in language class, a set schedule, a supplemental
role at the Haven, and was with three of my dearest friends. My role at the
Haven was to spend one on one time with each of the children in the house I was
assigned to each week. We worked on developmental needs such as gross motor
skills, fine motor skills, and occasionally some physical therapy. We had class
daily at school, and just enjoyed each others presence all day long.
As the first few weeks progressed,
I realized how much I had to learn about this culture, this life, this reality,
and myself. Whoa, my roller coaster just halted, right there on the climb up. I
found myself in an uncomfortable place, contemplating what in the world I had
to bring to the table of this experience, and still the question remained of
how I got there. I was seeing the reality of being a missionary and what how
this life looks and works. It was unmatched to any other I knew and I was
letting go. Over the weeks, I found my courage because I started listening to
God. Slowly and surely, my roller coaster started to climb upwards again.
Little did I know, I was about to plunge into the act of surrender.
I distinctly remember the day when
I decided to take the plunge and embrace feeling uncomfortable, scared, and
being clueless on what I should do in each situation. It was a Thursday and I
was overwhelmed out of my mind. I felt like I just couldn’t relate or do an
adequate job with the babies I was working with that day. It seemed like I
never had enough books to read with them, activities to do, or Tonga words
memorized to get on their level. That night we went to stay with our friends in
the village. As if the day hadn’t gotten the best of me already, the dear
auntie I stayed with each week was off that day and her son was supposed to
come and get me to walk the rest of the way to her home. Night came and no one
arrived. After anxiously waiting, three boys came and another auntie said the
family was here to walk with me. I had no idea who it was. But, I decided to
just go, take a leap of faith, and take a risk. So, there I was, walking in the
middle of nowhere Africa, in the black of night, with three boys I didn’t know.
After feeling in over my head and quite helpless, I started doing what I do
best: talking, questioning, and laughing. This really was my friend’s family;
it was her son that had just grown since I was last there! After much laughing
and talking, in that moment I realized the depth of how much God was in control
and even more so how much God had to show me in these next few weeks. He was
longing for me to get out of my comfort zone and TRUST him. Right then and
there, my roller coaster was flying downhill faster than I even imagined. I
dove in headfirst and what I found was truly remarkable. I got there because
God had something to teach me in this moment.
The biggest lesson that I’m
continually learning from my experience would have to be about courage, risk,
and living in the unknown. When we break free from our comfort and dare to
dance in the unknown, that’s when we do our best growing. It’s in those times
when we search for God with wreck less abandon. Let’s face it, it’s because we
truly need him. In those scary moments, we are frantic for God, grasping at
anything that brings us closer, digging deeper until we have a solid hold on
the Savior. I imagine in those moments that I’m clinging to the Father in a
bear hug with all my might while we take the plunge together. Isn’t that
beautiful?
The most fulfilling humbling
blessing from it all is that love is simple. To love simply is to love deeply.
I hold on to the realization that I learned the best love lessons from all the
babies and children I grew to know this summer. It was a privilege to love
them. I’m still gaining a better understanding of the Savior’s love. To love
unconditionally with no reservations is to love when it hurts, to love when
life cannot seem to be any better, and to love when you think you have no more
love left to give. I want to love to the core. I want to love from my heart, my
being, my soul.
Here’s to a Father that knows how to convince me to jump off
the edge head- first and love from the deepest corners of my heart.
May we both
chase and long for the opportunities to cling to our Creator for courage and an
unfathomable love.
Close your eyes and jump.
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