Extending Grace and Mercy to Our Children

“God, please make my mommy nice. I’m sorry I mess everything up and I don’t listen. I don’t know why I always do this. Please God, make my mommy nicer to me, and make her a better mommy. I’m sorry.”

Gut-wrenching truth. This prayer nearly drowned out by sobs and the heaving breath of my four year old daughter as she lay crumpled in a corner of her room, crying out to her Heavenly Father when her earthly mother’s harsh words wounded her heart.

To be honest with you, I don’t even remember what set me off that day. It could have been having to repeat myself and ask my 3 and 4 year old for the hundredth time to not chase each other through the house. Maybe it was the infamous missing right shoe for the millionth time, while we were already late for work and school in the morning. I don’t even remember the words I spoke to her, it doesn’t matter. It wasn’t the words I spoke, but the manner in which I spoke them to my family.

I was living in a constant and desperate state of being overwhelmed.  I was sinking and I didn’t want to let anyone know it. I’d succumbed to the idea that as a working mom I had to be able to do it all. Balancing every forty plus hour work week with finishing my degree, to every church commitment, supporting my husband in his ministry, to working out and preparing healthy and delicious home cooked meals, to keeping my house spotless, all the while caring for a three and four year old.

Drowning. I couldn’t let anyone know, I wouldn’t ask for help, not even God. So I took these unrealistic burdens upon myself. And I failed. If you notice the above to do list, nowhere on it does it prioritize time in God’s word, in his presence, meditating and resting in Him. Enter my very short fuse with my children and my harsh response to being normal kids.

It’s so much easier for us to fall apart behind closed doors and to leave a path of destruction for those closest to us. Maybe you can relate? Maybe you’ve been there and under the pressure to keep up appearances you unleash your wrath on your family. Maybe it isn’t your kids, maybe it’s your spouse.  

In that moment of revelation, that moment of hearing the aching heart of my daughter and her most heartfelt prayer, I heard God speaking to me. Have I not given both Grace and Mercy to you Annette? When you stray, when you falter, when you disappoint, and disobey?  Utter shame filled my heart.  In that moment I repented. I fell to my knees and prayed with my daughter, I asked her forgiveness.  I asked forgiveness from my Heavenly Father and asked His hand to be present in every word spoken to my children. That I would use words that would uplift and edify and that His spirit renew and refresh my heart and mind when I felt weary. That I would rely in His spirit and direction when speaking to my family.  That I would reflect His grace and mercy in my life, in all areas, not just outside of the walls of my home.

So how can we practically extend grace to those around us?

•             Speak words that build up, not tear down

•             Forgive

•             Apologize

•             Show kindness

“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” – Ephesians 4:29

I mediate on this verse constantly. I have it hanging on my refrigerator as a daily reminder. The kitchen seems to be one of the places I want to lose my cool more than any other area in the house, oddly enough.

Friends, when life gets overwhelming and our “to do’s” seem to go on forever, we must always remember that God’s spirit dwells within us.  These moments are opportunities not only to extend grace and mercy, but to teach it to our children.  So let’s love our children well.

There is freedom in grace. Be free.

About the Author :

Annette Ceniceros is married to an impossibly handsome man named Daniel. She is blessed to have two children, one boy and one girl. She is the founder of Hope Yoga, a Christian yoga practice anchored in Jesus.

Don't Miss the Teaching Moments

Most moms start every summer with great expectations; memories to be made and experiences to be had. I am one of those moms. I plan, organize and put together schedules filled with long activity filled days, day trips to take, and vacations to enjoy. And yet, even with all this preparation, at the conclusion of summer, I feel like I missed some of the things I wanted to teach our kids. We never made it to a few of the places I wanted to go. I didn’t teach them some of the things I wanted them to learn. In all honesty, we never even opened the educational books this summer (it happens) The time escapes and every year during that last week I think: how is it even possible that another summer has come and gone?

The school year it’s longer, but somehow the chaotic schedules, homework and projects make days and weeks merge together don’t they? Once our kids start school there is no pause button; and we don’t get any real time-outs to strategize. Our kids are constantly learning, and honestly, the older they get the more I feel it in my spirit: I don’t always like what they are being taught. 

And the reality is, they will spend more time in a classroom then they will at home from here forward. They will see their teachers, coaches and friends for more hours in the day then they will me. It will forever be a battle of influence; and with less hours as parents we must know how to be the most effective. 

As I consider what my kids face every day with their peers, what they learn in the halls, the lunchroom, and at recess I am certain that what I teach them in the home will only have impact if they see it in the home. If I teach them with my mouth, they may listen. But if I live it with my life, if it is a part of the ins and outs of my everyday it will leave a lasting impression. 

It’s late in the evening and my soul is restless. The house is asleep and in the quiet I reflect on the upcoming year and ask myself the hard questions: what kind of impression am I leaving on my kids? It’s something as a mom/dad we should evaluate regularly. How can I be more intentional to practice and demonstrate the lessons I want my kids to learn outside the classroom? 

When you ride a bike you move forward in the direction you are looking; the bike goes wherever the handle bars are pointed. We must consistently evaluate which direction we are looking, and secondly where the “handle bars” in our household are pointed. So I made this list, you know to be more intentional (or something like that) and called it “before you get on the bus.” And I listed some things I want to be more intentional about teaching my kids this school year:  overcoming mean kids with kindness (Romans 12:21), hiding God’s word in our heart (Ps 119:11), and putting others before yourself (Phil 2:3).

But then, in an unexpected and unusual twist, I found out on open house night that my kids will no longer be riding the bus. The bus route that had been in effect for several years was changing with a new pickup time of 45 minutes earlier each morning for our subdivision. I nearly cried (really, truly, I hate mornings). I had a little pity party about this new inconvenience; about that the tragedy of having to actually drive my kids to school each morning. While I was having my pity party I emailed a good friend who loved carpooling her kids more then any other parent in the universe (I mean, really, who actually loves carpools and brags about such.) Her reply was like a splash of cold water in the face; she suggested instead of whining I use that time to have my third grader read a quick devotional to us and pray with the kids to prepare them for the battlefield each morning. 

You see, last year we started morning devotionals with our kids during breakfast. But we had mornings where we were rushed, highly distracted, or eating a pop tart with one hand and tying shoes with the other. It didn’t always go as planned;  typical reality of parenting-- things don’t always go as planned. We have good intentions but we don’t always have good results do we? But the cool thing about car rides-- the time in the car is guaranteed (no amount of speeding will make it much faster, trust me, I’ve tried!)

I was going to write this blog with high end ideas about how I planned to be more intentional, but our little transportation change reminded me that sometimes it’s best to keep it simple. So my challenge to all my fellow parents is: how can you use car time to pour into your kids? If you don’t drive to school, what about drives to the ball field, dance, band or day care pickup? 

Every day we are allotted the same amount of minutes, 1440 to be exact; if you’re home is anything like mine, those minutes seem to get shorter as they get older-- use them wisely.

About the Author :

Christina Stolaas is a 30 year old who is addicted to Jesus, Coffee, and Running. She's a mom to four energetic kids who she adores, and wife to one wonderful husband of almost 10 years. Christina is a Sunday school teacher to youth, is actively involved in women's ministry and uses her gift of writing wherever God opens the doors!

Who Do you Call Father?

Reminders that Father’s Day is almost here can be found everywhere. At the grocery, the mall, ads on the radio, and even highway billboards have suggestions to aide us in choosing an ideal gift for dad. But, the truth is, fathers day isn’t an ideal holiday for some (many) people. I used to be one of those people.

Every year when the month of June came I’d count down the days till the weekend passed. While others celebrated the blessing they had in great Fathers, I suffered silently with the pain my dad had caused me. Every year in the grocery store I’d pass the card aisles littered with woman picking up card after card, choosing the perfect message for dad. Every year, I felt that same emptiness-- that same longing for what I was sure I would never get the privilege of experiencing.

I grew up in the church and had always heard of God referred to with many names: King of Kings, Savior, Jesus, Lord, Almighty God, Creator, and Father God to name a few. All of these names were frequently used in praise songs and prayer, and respectively all but one conjured up the same image of God in my head. Worthy to be worshipped and full of immeasurable power, which are, quite obviously inherent to the core of who God is. But, “Father” never seemed to fit with the other names because it implied an intimacy that didn’t seem reasonable for such a powerful deity.

For many years, I ignored the reference of God as father. I had a detestable relationship with my earthly father, so referring to God in similar terms was actually more painful then helpful. Though I had surrendered my life to God, I struggled with feeling close to Him. I understood the power and holiness of God, but couldn’t understand the way God wanted to relate to me personally. I had intentionally chosen to guard my heart and avoid entertaining the persistent longings for fatherly love.

One day I stumbled upon a verse that rocked my world spiritually.

Matthew 23:9

And do not call anyone on earth “father.” For you have one father, and He is in heaven.

When I read this passage and began to meditate on it, I realized how hard my heart had become. This verse is shocking and possibly even angering if taken literally. But, I think the point is, God intends to shatter our view of fathers (even great ones) when we realize the privilege of our relationship with Him. The presence of sin in our world has tainted every relationship; no child has the perfect father. Each of us have grown up with some disappointing memories of dad and some longings or needs that weren’t met. Though for some these shortcomings were minimal, for others, they were monumental.

When God says to call him “Abba Father” He is literally telling us to call Him “daddy.” The intimacy described in this term is intentional. God wants us to know Him not just as our creator or originator, but more importantly, as a perfect dad. It is God who treasures us and cherishes us for our uniqueness more then any other. He wants us to realize it is He who provides, protects and leads freely.

The intensified longing little girls have for a daddy was placed in each of us by our perfect father. It’s meant to draw us to Him closely in a relationship that is pure and a love that is relentless and unconditional.

Maybe it’s taken you a while to embrace God as father because of what that word means to you, but, the truth is, God is nothing like an earthly dad. God doesn’t give you attention when you behave, and avoid you during meltdowns. You have his undivided attention every minute of the day! God isn’t proud of you when you bring home all A’s on a report card and disappointed when your achievements are just “average.” He loves you infinitely just the way you are. He doesn’t have a prefabricated list of what you must be in life, what hobby you must pursue, or career path you must take to earn His approval. The truth is, you are securely His daughter when you make great decisions and securely His when you could have made better ones.

It’s simple, God’s love for us is our birthright. God loves you and I as daughters not because of what we do, but because of who we are. Romans 8:15-17 tells us that God chose us to be his heirs, we are adopted as daughters of the king! As I studied the passages about God being our father I realized this truth I’d like to challenge you with. Though as a believer you are securely His, you must choose to enjoy the privilege of calling Him “abba father.” So today, whether you had an amazing dad or a lousy one, remember you have a PERFECT FATHER.



Written by Christina Stolaas

As is the Mother, So is the Daughter

Guest post by Katrina Smith

Most of my adult career has been working with women. If you’ve ever lived or worked a great deal with women, you will notice that something strange occurs. Their menstrual cycles begin to synchronize with one another. I believe it is nature’s way of telling us that we were created to work in unison as well as letting us know exactly how influential femininity is. This implies that our patterns and behaviors have the power to influence our environment. This could be good or bad.

In my new book releasing in July, “Wisdom is a She” explains that femininity has always been associated with heavy influence. In biblical history, cities and nations were referred to as a “she” because of the weight that they carried on the culture and society. Like a mother that breastfeeds its infant, whatever is being fed to the people will determine the overall health and pulse of the nation. In fact, the state of a culture and society was measured by the participation of the women of the time because the matriarchs set the standard for behavior as the bearers and nurturers of life. They set the tone. Roman 1:26 tells us that Israel had become so corrupt that  “Even their women  exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones.”

“Even their women” was often written as an indication of how bad the culture and society had deteriorated. When women abandoned their natural instinct to nurture the next generation for their own selfish desires, (fame, fortune, status) it became a nation in ruin. It was the physical manifestation of the consequences of violating the law of nature. Today, women are the leaders in the pro-choice movement arguing that their civil rights supersede human life. When women abandon femininity, the youth are silenced, discarded and/or abandoned and chaos ultimately follows.

Like all life, we were created for specific roles much like the north was created to sustain life in the frigid temperatures of Antarctica and the south was created to sustain life in the rain forests of Brazil. When nature is thrown off course, it disturbs the weather patterns and interrupts the cycle of life. Like the oil spill in the gulf, millions of corpse’s washed up on the coast making us painfully aware of the consequences of interfering with nature and defiling the source of life. This is what tends to occur when humanity abandons their role of the law of order in creation and sets out to follow their own plans.

When I was five years old I was sent to foster care while my mother served time in prison. This was a vital time in my life because I was a young flower uprooted from a garden of weeds for my own well being. Where I would be replanted would determine my chance of survival. Luckily, I was planted with my aunt and uncle. But my aunt wasn’t just any flower in any garden, she was a rose.  Unlike annuals, roses are perinnials. Although annuals only last one season, perinnials bloom every spring after surviving the worst of winter storms. They survive and resurrect because of their strong roots. She inherited her strong roots from the one who came before her.

My aunt was an only child and was very close to her mother. We would have dinner with her mother a few times per week and I would watch and analyze everything around me, absorbing my environment like a sponge.

My aunt’s mother was the first person to introduce me to Jesus. It was through her that I first heard the song “Jesus loves me.” She would also sit beside me and read  bible stories. I remember her reading to me the story of Moses, telling me that he was separated from his mother but it was because God had a plan for his life. He was ”set apart” from his family and later sent back so that his people could be free. She told me that I was like Moses.

She would make the most beautiful dinners, putting such effort and attention to detail into every single plate, glass and napkin. She would set up the table as if she was serving Jesus Himself. Before each meal, she would pass around a prayer box in the shape of a loaf of bread that we would pull prayers to read to one another. We would read them aloud and when I had trouble reading in my childish dialect,  like a patient teacher, she would help me sound it out but never read it for me. Little did I know at that time that she was helping me to transform from an annual to a perinnial by planting in me strong roots. And even long after I left their garden going back to a garden of weeds, my roots remained strong. Once they were planted, they could not be uprooted, no matter how strong the elements.

My aunt carried the exact traits of her mother. From the way she decorated her home, put care into her hair and outfit for the day to the dinners that she served for her family and community. She presented herself to the world as an ambassador and servant for Christ and her mother passed to her those same traits.

My aunt became the woman that she was because her mother guided her through every aspect of life. Her character spilled over into her daughter and then her daughter’s character spilled over to her daughter’s daughter. And for some reason, God saw it fit to place me there for a short time to glean the seeds that they were willing to share with me.

Their natural femininity had an enormous impact on me in such a short period of time. Our femininity within seeks to align with the matriarchs of our day that we are supposed to model after. A woman’s instinct has a gravitational pull like a flower reaching and stretching for a tiny taste of the sun. It aches for that warmth and beauty. The problem today is that the models that we are to emulate have become harder and harder to find as that soft and gentle femininity has become a thing to be hidden.

Last week I received notice that my aunt’s mother had passed away. But I realized while standing at the funeral home watching her family weep over her that even though she was gone physically, she lives on through the generations that she influenced. I now know exactly where I got my love for hospitality. I thank God for the time that I had with them because I picked up so much from them to pass to my own daughters. Her legacy spread much further than her own family.

I believe she had such an impact because she understood her role in the cycle of life. She understood that she did not need to be a celebrity or the next Martha Stewart to be recognized as the apple of God’s eye or the matriarch of her family. Her obedience and sacrifice was the standard and she set that bar quite high. She knew far in advance what most of us do not realize until it’s too late. She avoided anything that sought to destroy her because she understood the power of her influence that would be left long after she left this life. Because of her character, her family will never carry shame or inherit generational patterns that could destroy their name as her name carried the symbol of the cross. She never once compromised due to the One she represented.

As women, we can learn a lot from her influence. Our girls will follow in synch everything that we do, like a shadow that follows behind us. From how we speak, how we present ourselves to the world, how we treat ourselves, how we treat others and the type of men that we will bring in and out of our lives. If you would like to know how your daughters will turn out, look in the mirror, listen to your speech and then look at your behavior. You will see a direct reflection of what will be left behind when you are gone.

“As is the mother, so is the daughter” Ezekiel 16:44

Photo credits:
Models, Jewell Freeland, Yvonne Green, Brittany Case & Kinley Case (Four generations of matriarchs) and also the women mentioned in the article.
Photographer, Heather Chapman at HMC Photograph.
Visit  http://www.hmcphotography.com

---

Katrina Smith is a simple mid-western girl from the inner city of Indianapolis, Indiana, where she is married with a blended family of six children. After teaching financial literacy in underserved communities for eight years, she is now the author of The Butterfly Movement, Evicting Jezebel and Independent No More. She is also currently working on the release of her next books, Bride of Christ, Child of God and Wisdom is a She due to release in Mid 2013. You can find her on Facebook and Twitter or contact her by email at katrina@butterflymovement.org

Coat Tail Faith

by Frances Crusoe

As a parent, I am often reminded of Proverbs 22:6 which states, “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” My constant prayer is that my sons becomes genuinely passionate about Jesus and spend their lives telling other about Him. I strive to practice what I preach to them by serving in the church, loving people, turning away from sin, and applying the scriptures to my own life. It pleases me to see the natural leadership traits peek through my teenager when he is participating in his high school ministry and how much my six year old loves to sing and dance to worship songs.

When my teenager heads out of the door each day, I know that he will be bombarded with different messages and influences. I am not there when he walks down the halls at school or hangs out with friends in between classes. I will not always be there the moment that he faced with a tough decision. I cannot always protect him from making mistakes. I realize that he has to have room to develop his own personal relationship with Christ and not attempt to ride on the coat tails of others to Heaven.

Proverbs 22:6 gives parents a specific command of training up the children we are blessed with. It is not the responsibility of children's church volunteers or youth pastors to train up our children. They are in place to cultivate the biblical morals and values instilled in the home. We must do our part in laying the biblical foundation and allowing Christ to water the seeds we spend years sowing into their spirits.

I firmly believe in Proverbs 22:6. I am a product of it. I had family who sowed those seeds of faith into my heart at an early age. When I was old enough, I made the decision to create my own path that lead to countless mistakes. I assumed that because I got baptized at 10 and had a praying grandmother, I would always be in good standing with Jesus. Yet, Romans 14:12 says that “every one of us shall give account of himself to God.” I would have to give an account of my life, not my grandmother or youth pastors. I would. I couldn't rely on the faith of others to ensure a free pass to Heaven. I had to seek my own forgiveness for my sins and develop my own relationship with Jesus. So do my sons.

I encourage every parent to pray for with their children. Read and discuss the scriptures with them on a regular basis. Be an example for them to follow. Challenge them to live a life of righteousness even when the world says otherwise. Encourage them to develop their own relationship with Christ and give them room to seek Him on their own. Above all else, trust God with their lives and they will not depart from Him.

A Mother's Love

by Marquisha Harden

This month will bring forth another year of celebrating mothers around the world. Families will spend countless amounts of dollars on flowers, gifts, dinners, cards and many hours on the phone to express their love. Mothers who have passed away will even be celebrated for the nurture and love they spread while they were alive. Yet, there remains a group of mothers who won’t receive a call, card, or thought because someone refuses to forgive. While every mother makes mistakes, there are some who believe mothers don’t have room to fall short in ensuring their child is nurtured, guided, and loved.

Mothers need forgiveness just like everyone else. They are imperfect people who make mistakes because they love to much or not enough, they give too much advice or not enough, they overly nurture their children or they don’t. The consequences of either often leave children to believe ‘their parents just don’t understand’ or refuse to love them according to their specific needs. More often than not, the child ‘just doesn’t understand’ the emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual roller-coasters mothers manage on a day-to-day basis.

I used to believe my mother was perfect; she’s beautiful, smart, nurturing, loving, and everything I needed her to be in my early years. She taught me how to deal with children at school, she eased the issues I had about my complexion, and she always knew just want to say. She gave wisdom I believed others should have to pay for. She always knew how to sooth every need and answered every question to perfection, that is…until … she made a mistake.

For years there were times I thought I needed more from her, but she wasn’t able to give it. I never understood why at some times it seemed like the mother I held on a pedestal appeared to be working against me. It wasn’t until I took the time to understand who she is and all she had to deal with to get me here and even keep me here, that I began to appreciate her love.

Some children never take in account their mothers’ life before motherhood, or even the struggles they encounter each day. Some mothers were teen parents, raped, beaten, alcoholics, prostitutes, promiscuous, drug addicts; some may still be. That’s not an excuse, but it definitely plays a factor. While I don’t know what the issue is, God does. God knows that our mothers wear different hats as a wife, mother, daughter, career woman, student, sister, servant etc. He also knows that trying to balance all of those things will definitely leave room for error. He knows that some children will feel rejected and unloved. Some will feel forsaken and forgotten. He knew some would feel disowned and unwanted; some would feel smothered by their mothers being overprotective, etc. However, before you were even formed in your mother’s womb, God already knew the life you would have, whether you would be raised by your biological mother, family member, or an adoptive parent. In knowing all of the factors, He gave assurance to each child that ‘when my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will take me up’ (Psalms 27:10).

This does not mean we get to dismiss our mothers’ feelings or justify not wanting forgive. God also knew some children would use their mothers’ inability to love them the way they think they should be loved as a reason to hold a grudge, or dishonor them. So, He gave the command to‘honor your mother and father so that your days would be long in the land the Lord your gives you’(Exodus 20:12). Regardless of how you feel about the way you were raised, you are still held accountable for your actions, words, and feelings toward your mother. It is your responsibility to honor the woman who gave birth to you because she gave birth to God’s purpose… YOU!

You are God’s purpose and a part of God’s plan. He established a purpose within you well before you were even born, and it hasn’t stopped because you believe your upbringing wasn’t the best. It was already a part of the plan. It was a set up from the beginning! There is so much God can and will do through because of your life, but you have to be willing to forgive and let go of any ill feelings you have toward your mother. Everything that seemed to be working against you is being worked out in your favor. We are all human and subject to making mistakes in our life.

Think about some of the mistakes you’ve made as a child, teen, and adult. Think of some of the mistakes you are making or have made as parent. I’m almost certain you don’t make the mistakes because you want to harm your child. Sometimes it’s not even a mistake; it’s the child’s perception of wrong doing because they don’t understand/agree with the mother’s discipline, absence, or advice.

This year, there will be many mothers receiving thanks around the world. Make sure that you are among the children who reflect and give God praise for giving you a mother who didn’t abort His purpose. Give thanks because He kept you covered when you felt you were forgotten. Give thanks because there was only one way He chose to get you here, through your mother’s love.

Psalms 139 14-18, “I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when yet there were none of them. How precious also are your thoughts to me O God! How great is the sum of them. If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; when I awake; I am still with You!”

This year take the time to get to know your mother or pray for peace about your relationship. How will you celebrate your mother this year? A little bit of flowers and forgiveness goes a very long way.

Parenting from A Place of Wholeness

By Maria Breeden

Effective parenting begins from a position of wholeness and godly self-esteem. For the single mother, this combination is absolutely essential for her to raise responsible, healthy, and whole children. It is difficult to teach your children to have high self-esteem when you are broken and don't even realize it. Parental brokenness manifests itself in a variety of ways.

Parenting by Default Not Purpose

As a single mom, I have energy, resource, and time constraints. I have discovered the reason why it was so challenging to consistently implement godly parenting principles was because I never knew I needed to be grounded in the love of God for myself before marrying and having children. Thus, true foundational self-esteem rooted in God was never fully formed in me. This is important as it relates to parenting because if a woman’s deepest emotional needs for validation, completeness, and wholeness are not met in Christ, she will continually look outside of herself for these things. Because of her brokenness, it is difficult for her to model true, authentic, and healthy self-esteem in front of her children on a consistent basis.

When my children began to grow, I only had two main parenting styles: 1) The Old School “I- brought-you-into-this-world-and-I-will-take-you-out” style in order to maintain order obedience, and to survive or; 2) The Hovering Helicopter style, which consists of overprotecting, nagging, reminding and scolding because I didn’t have the time, resources, and inner strength to carefully think through, trust, strategize and seek the Lord. Functioning in this fashion always takes its toll on a woman and further exacerbates the brokenness. In the short term, both styles work when children are young, but as they grow and began to enter late childhood and early puberty these methods become less effective. The mother then finds herself with very little left in her parenting toolbox except trying to control or protect them. It results in more stress for the mother and results in children with low self-esteem who make poor life choices because the mother did all the thinking and decision making for them.

According to Foster Cline and Jim Fay in Parenting With Love & Logic, “Too many parents confuse love, protection & caring…they overcompensate with worry and hyper-concern (nagging, reminding, too) instead of letting kids fail. What these parents are doing, in reality is meeting their own selfish needs. They make more work for themselves and will, in the long run, raise children who make their own lives more work. The problem is, rescuing parents often rescue out of their own needs. They like to heal hurts. They are parents who need to be needed, not parents who want to be wanted…”

To properly parent, a single mom must learn to love and respect herself. This means to know herself, to get grounded in God’s love and to understand how His love works. God loves us deeply. But he doesn’t stop us if we choose to jump off a cliff, have premarital sex, and make other bad choices. He lets us feel the full impact of the consequences of our choice. He uses our mistakes to help us grow in faith and maturity. We do our children a disservice when we fail to love them as God loves us. When we are grounded in God’s love we can parent as He does from a place of strength and love, not needing to be needed and not trying to control everything the kids do because of not knowing what else to do to protect them. We can allow life situations to provide learning opportunities so that they grow up responsible and able to make wise choices when we are not around. Broken mothers want these results but cannot do this consistently and effectively.

Parenting While Chasing To Get Needs Met

When a parent has unresolved brokenness running in the background of her life it manifests itself in the motives behind her relational and social choices. Oftentimes, a woman can be thoroughly convinced that her motives are good on the surface, but if the truth be told, these activities and relationships are driven from unmet needs that run contrary to solid parenting.

Motive 1: Ministry Works

We are to use our gifts and talents to build God’s kingdom. God gave us our talents, gifts, and abilities to be productive and to fulfill our purpose in His Kingdom. However, when we fail to look to God to meet our needs for validation, acceptance and approval, without realizing it, we find ourselves using our good works as a vehicle to receive attention, to be seen, and to be validated. We show up every time the church doors open. We show up to every activity and committee meeting. We come back home all excited and the house is a mess, there is chaos and disorder and the kids are running wild. We are godly women out saving the world, yet our homes are going to hell. Using ministry works to get an emotional need met does not glorify God nor does it help our children. We must continually pray and seek God’s help to maintain order and balance in ministry and family.

Motive 2: I Need a Man...For Attention/ To Be A Father Figure / To Go to Church With

A young woman, without a fundamental knowledge of her worth and value in Christ, can easily get caught up in romantic drama relationships starting in her teenage years. Once that first relationship fails, she will continually seek the initial high of that first infatuation. She has no clue about who she is in God and is only driven by emotions and flesh. This is the beginning of insecure or anxious love in a woman. This is evidenced by mothers who have a hard enough time managing house/job/kids but still trying to date, spending a lot of time texting, on the phone, online, fantasizing, anxiously worrying about what a man wants/thinks/feels, and obsessing over every text/call/conversation. It is possible for a woman to spend way more mental and emotional energy over a man than she does for her children. Her whole emotional world can revolve around whether or not she gets a certain level of attention from a man. Again, this does not glorify God and hinders godly parenting.

Broken mothers also get involved in romantic relationships too quickly before developing personal wholeness because of an overwhelming desire to have some semblance of a "father figure" or “male role model” in front of children. It is difficult to go to church Sunday after Sunday alone. They have a deep desire to have a husband to go to church with, to lead the family and to serve God together. These desires are normal and natural, but if not held in check under God’s timing and way, it can create many problems. If mom is not whole, most of her energy will be put into developing this relationship instead of developing personal wholeness in Christ or parenting her children. If the relationship ends in disappointment, she is back where she started from, even more broken then before because she delayed her healing process by getting prematurely involved.

This could be a significant issue if a mother spends more time reading every book on how to get married, how to be a wife, how men think, praying for her “Boaz” than praying or reading on how to parent her children. How much prayer time is spent on interceding for the children’s needs and issues? How much of prayer is spent asking God to reveal our children’s purpose/destiny/passion/gifts at an early age? How much prayer is spent on the list of requirements for the future husband? How much prayer and emotional equity are we investing in the current new hot marriage prospect?

Jesus took on a dishonorable death so that we could live honorable, holy (whole) complete and abundant lives. Our deepest emotional, psychological and spiritual needs were met by Christ on the Cross and our resultant failures to fully appropriate His shed blood over our emotions and brokenness cause us to chase in the wilderness for something that had already been taken care of. We suffer and, in the long run, our children suffer. Woman of God, never be in a rush to get married, raise children, or do good works without take the time to become deeply rooted in Christ. Learn to receive and walk in his love so that you can function fully in all areas of your life including parenting from place of wholeness and purpose.  

Don’t Take Your Eyes Off of Jesus

By Nadia Marinaccio

The woes of parenting are often too much to tolerate, aren’t they? One moment you are bringing home your bundle of joy, swaddled in a hospital blanket that you will no doubt save until you have grandchildren and can pass it on to them. Suddenly you are the parent of a teenager, and plunged head first into the most heart wrenching fight of your life. You wonder what on earth happened to your sweet angel who could do no wrong, your cuddle bug, your lil protégé that looked up to you and desired your approval and smile.

If you are entering this role of being the parent of a rebellious teenager for the first time you are no doubt trying to figure out what went wrong. How did we end up here? For me I can honestly say that because I was a child myself at the age of 22, I treated her as if she were my lil doll, and my friend. I couldn’t wait to dress her up, and take her out. I had messed up so much already in my short life and all I wanted was to prove to the world that I could do something right.( It wasn’t about her. It was about me validating myself. Wow, that truth is too deep and honest for somebody.) I thought it was adorable when she mimicked me, especially because I have a funny personality and like to do impersonations of various ethnicities and celebrities. She followed in my footsteps and became just as sassy and silly as her mamma. In hindsight, I remember some veteran parents warning me to get that sassiness under control, but I didn’t listen, after all I was a “grown woman” myself (NOT!) and had it all figured it out. Besides, they were talking to someone who didn’t think it was necessary to pick up a single solitary parenting book because “how hard could this whole parenting thing be?” How I wish I could reverse the hands of time and start over, but alas this is life and I have to endure the consequences of my hardheadedness.

The rollercoaster ride of being the parent of a rebellious teenager has just begun for me. My seatbelt is on, the roller bar pulled down tight to make sure I don’t fall out when we are upside down screaming our heads off, and finally we are lurching forward down the track. As we make our ascent I realize we shouldn’t be on this ride. What was I thinking? It’s too late to realize I am afraid of heights. Next thing you know, we are plummeting down at 80miles an hour, with your stomach in your throat hoping nothing comes out. Oh NO!! Here comes the upside down loops! I am too old to be doing this! Up and down, racing, spinning, screaming, holding on for dear life is the rollercoaster adventure of a teenage parent. Finally the ride is over, you exhale and thank God he kept you alive. You can’t wait to get off, but suddenly it starts again! Are you serious? How many more years of this do I have to endure? She is 13 now, so do the math!

The greatest lesson I have learned as a parent of a rebellious teenager is to remember Ephesians 6:12 which says our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. It is easy to direct our anger at the visible source of our frustration but we must be diligent to remember that there is a dangerous incognito enemy who is searching the earth, seeking whom he may devour(1Peter 5:8). He is the master of illusions and has disguised himself in the body of your teenager. Don’t believe me? Let me give you an example of how I know this to be true. We know the enemy was once an angel and a worship leader in heaven. He became selfish and wanted the worship for himself and of course he was cast out of heaven with a third of the angels. He was stripped of his ability to worship so he and his minions work diligently to have the world as we know it worship him. Most of the world is unaware of his subtle stronghold on them, but nonetheless it is present and dangerous.

One day my daughter and I were in the car and we were listening to her worldly, vile rap music which I loathe. She was happy as a clam, singing along to disgusting lyrics. I had enough of her music so I put in one of my worship cd’s. Visibly, within minutes she became very agitated at the sound of worship music and proceeded to cover her ears and shake her leg nervously. That spirit in her had been agitated and the more I sang along and praised God the more distressing it became to her.

The enemy attacks us because we have now been able to take his place as worshippers with the angels that remain. He attacks anything and everything in this world that has a purpose for Christ. You have never been assaulted until you start living for Christ and bringing precious souls into the Kingdom.

I believe one of the greatest ways you can defeat the enemy at his game is to remember who you are warring with. Your child is not your enemy. I know it feels like it at times. Especially when they are rebelling against you and God, but we must be mindful that we don’t allow our anger to control us. The negative behavior has to be addressed sternly and in love. So many times I have almost lost myself in my fury and acted in ways that God would not condone. It’s so difficult in those times to look at my child and say to myself “I don’t care what this looks like, Lord I trust you and I know we will come out of this and when we do, we will help to encourage others going through the same thing.”

Secondly, you have to know who you are in Christ. Know that you have been appointed by God to be the caretaker of this child. God has given you this child, for you to raise, love and encourage. I am not saying for you to be a rug and allow your child to trample all over you. What I am saying is stay focused on Christ who is the author and finisher of your faith. He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him and you must not faint in well-doing for in due season you will reap if you faint not.

Look at this passage in Matthew 14:22-26

Immediately He made the disciples get into the boat and go ahead of Him to the other side, whileHe dismissed the crowds. After dismissing the crowds, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray. When evening came, He was there alone. But the boat was already over a mile from land,battered by the waves, because the wind was against them. Around three in the morning, He cametoward them walking on the sea. When the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost! ” they said, and cried out in fear.

What is beautiful about this passage of scripture is the time that elapsed. It was evening time that Jesus took notice of them. They were a mile offshore and were being battered by the waves, yet Jesus doesn’t come to them til 3 in the morning. I want to encourage you to know that just because he hasn’t come yet, doesn’t mean he doesn’t see your struggle. He knows you are being thrown around by the rebellion in your house, but don’t give up because he’s coming to you in His time walking on the water. We know immediately after this, Peter asks Jesus to bid him to come out on the water. While Peter is walking on the water the winds rose against him and he began to sink. Jesus doesn’t allow Him to sink though until Peter is within reach. It may feel like you have drowned in this season of parenting but take heart and know that you are within an arms-reach of your savior and he will pull you out and bring you to dry ground. Your job is to keep your focus on Him while you are sinking. Christ calls us to walk on water because it is impossible and he knows by ourselves we wouldn’t make it, but when we keep our eyes on him, all things are possible.

We are in spiritual warfare over our children. Satan wants them but he can’t have them. They are children of God, called and sanctified for God’s purpose. No matter what it looks like, you keep speaking God’s promises over your child. See your child healed and in their right mind, following Christ, lifting others out of darkness and into His marvelous light. Do not lose hope or despair, your labor is not in vain and Jesus will prevail in your child! If satan steals your hope, than you might as well give him your child. Your hope in Christ is the only thing you can count on. Don’t’ take your eyes off of Jesus!

Single, Motherhood, and Marriage

By Frances Crusoe

As a single Christian woman, not many days go by that I am not reminded of the fact that I am single. From late night conversations with friends, to worried “when are you going to find a man” looks from family members, to the never ending engagement announcements, the topic of marriage is never far off. I don't spend time putting together my wedding Pinterest boards, dreaming about the perfect wedding day, or constantly revising a “list” of qualifications for my future husband to possess. Instead, I spend my days serving others and pursuing God's will for my life. I am more fulfilled and content in my single days than I could have ever imagined. I have traveled internationally on missions trips, ministered to people in ways that I never would have imagined, and have had the most life changing encounters with God during this season. I learned that the more time I spend doing God's will, the less time I have to worry about my relationship status.

I must admit that I have not always been this confident or content in my relationship with God and His promises for me. I am a single mother of two wonderful boys, which at times, has carried the social stigma of being less than; a statistic; damaged goods. I have never lacked attention from men for reasons other than marriage so for a long time, I never thought that marriage would be in my future. Insecurities, loneliness, and carnal desires often keep single mothers bound to the lie that we do not deserve any more that what we settle for. We buy into the lie that single mothers shouldn't expect a man to want to take care of someone else's child, let alone marry their mother. We should have made better choices and not had children out of wedlock. We sometimes go from one bad relationship to the next, hoping that this one will be okay being boyfriend and daddy. In some instances, I settled for the idea of being grateful for whoever thought enough of me to keep me around, even if they were not looking to play daddy.

It wasn't until I stopped searching for love and a makeshift father in men that I was truly able to accept the radical love and affection from Jesus Christ. Even when I was more in love with sin than my Savior, He still considered me worthy to be pursued. My past did not matter to Him and it brought Him pleasure to take on my sins, my hurts, and my shame. Allowing Christ to do a miraculous work in me helped me to put my complete trust in Him, even for marriage. God's word says in Psalm 37:4 to “delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” That promise does not end with single mothers.

I pray that any woman, who made the brave decision to bring a life into this world, without a husband by her side, understands that God has not overlooked her. You are not your past, the labels you have worn or the lies you have believed. You are loved, desired, and worth Christ dying for. You are worthy of His absolute best for your life and His only request is that you trust Him with your life and your heart. Love, nurture, and raise your children in the ways of Christ; continue to delight yourself in Him. There will be stressful days, lonely nights, and tearful prayers, but hold His promised in your heart. God is the author of love, life and all things good, so be patient and allow Him to write your happily ever after.   

The Breaking Season, Part One

By Sondra Lewis

From February 14th to the 18th, we celebrated the birthdays of our three youngest children.  Our “February Fest” (as we call it) is a joyous occasion as we have three birthdays within 5 days:  The 14th and Valentine’s Day is our precious daughter (the youngest), the 16th (our 4th son) and the 18th (our youngest and 5th son).

As I spoke with my daughter the day before her birthday, she asked me how I knew I was about to have her.  I told her, unlike my earlier pregnancies, my water broke first.

I’d given birth to all five of my son’s naturally and with each one of them, I was already at the hospital when it occurred.  However, the night before my daughter’s birth, she’d changed position from being head down to sideways.  She was breach and had to be delivered by C-section.

One week prior, she was fully positioned in the birth canal.  We knew the time was near because contractions had me in the hospital’s emergency room.  But they stopped and I was sent home to wait.

As I recalled the chain of events that surrounded her birth, I began to realize she was not only the birth of a child, but also the birth of a promise.

For the sake of not belaboring the account (every pun intended), I will refer to points of which correlate to promises many of us are also pregnant with.  And although the account has triggered some very poignant “Ah ha” revelations, time does not allow me to expound as I could.

Over the past several weeks, I have met many women who are facing major challenges.  These are not the normal circumstances, which come and go with a phone call or a trip to the school.  No, these are quite different:  the child you were always there for, sacrificed days from work to attend court hearings and bailed out of jail is now blaming you for their life sentence.  Or the husband that used to be at the church as soon as the doors opened has become bitter, distant and many times cruel regarding the things of God.  Even to the point of disrupting the entire household.

The professor from H-E (Double hockey sticks) will not pass a single assignment you write and if you don’t have some divine intervention soon, you could lose time, money or more.  The boss that used to adore you is now threatened by you and your very livelihood is now held in the hands of (who you are certain is) King Saul’s offspring.

Or the fatality that claimed the life of that loved one, and the trickling effect it has on your life being turned upside down, are only a few of the trials and tribulations many women are facing.

One painful and heart wrenching occurrence after another without any reprieve, you find yourself vacillating between what God has said about you, to you, or through you and what you are experiencing.  You know you are carrying a promise.  You want to believe, but the fight to push on past the present pain at times seems too much to bear.

Many women are feeling overwhelmed by the day-to-day duties of the many roles they play.  The balancing act of being a woman who works outside of the home and a wife and mother has all but consumed them.  They’re working 2+ jobs, doing carpools, school functions projects at home, and caring for loved ones.  They find themselves functioning, but in a daze.  Life has become like the hamster on the wheel:  They’re ever running faster and faster, exerting the energy and wearing themselves out, but cannot see the progress.  When the wheel stops, they’re in the same place they began.

The domestic engineer whose home schooling the kids, managing the home, scheduling appointments for her husband, kids and tending to the things of the church; anything that is going on, she’s there.  Everyone can count on her and does because (after all) she “doesn’t work” she’s a stay at home mom.

Each of these women is wearing the many hats, of which women are acquainted with.   Many are having a difficult time managing.  Many are screaming from within “Stop the wheel! I want to get off!” And if one thing in one area weighing heavy on you is not enough, another wave of situations and circumstances come at you like a Tsunami that leaves you washed a shore, depleted and grasping for something to hold on to before another wave approaches.

Six years before the birth of our daughter in ’95, I heard the voice of the Lord say to me “You are pregnant!  You’re going to have a girl and her name will be Faith & Strength!”  Again, I will not go into all the details but as you can already see, if my daughter is the youngest of my children and she has two older brothers before her, there is a lot that transpired between the promise and the promise being delivered.

I was pregnant with my 4th son at the time.  Seven months later I actually went into the hospital on Valentines Day after being diagnosed with Toxemia during a routine Dr’s visit.  Two days later he was born.  Fast-forward to four years later, I gave birth to our 5th son on the 18th of February and 360 days after that, my promise was fulfilled with the birth of our daughter on Valentines Day.

I've discovered that when God gives us a promise, he doesn't spend time articulating details.  This is where faith has its perfect work.  The word God speaks into our lives becomes seed.  We see time and time again that when God blessed anyone; it was his word that preceded the fulfillment of the promise.  There will always be “Seed-Time & Harvest”

Genesis 8:22, “While the earth remains, seed-time and harvest…shall not cease.”

So it is with us.  Our cultivation of the seed is likened to a pregnant woman.  The word becomes a part of us and we nourish it by believing what God has said and speaking the word of life over it: John 6:63, “The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life.”

Between the time I’d heard the promise and actually gave birth to our daughter, there were several life changing events that occurred.  All of which developed and strengthened my faith:  Near death with the birth of my fourth son; a three-year wilderness (between the last two sons) in which we’d experienced everything from loss of all utilities at one point or another to having a child leave home; the death of my father, being criticized and ostracized by close friends and family and eventually leading to homelessness.  Nothing in the promise of “You are pregnant," "You’re going to have a girl and her name will be Faith & Strength,” prepared me for any of that!  Or did it?