“I
shouldn’t feel that way. That’s
bad. Stop it. Stop thinking about that. That’s not how a Christian should be.”
Those were the dominate
thoughts of my 19-year old self when facing things in my life that I was
struggling with and didn’t know how to handle.
At times I would feel
jealous of a friend. Or I would be
prideful about something I had achieved. Other times, I would be angry and not know how to process it. And in my own mind, those thoughts and
feelings were wrong, so I needed to stop thinking this way or stop feeling that
way.
I was driving back to my
college dorm one night, and I was berating myself for what I was feeling, when
I heard the Lord say something that forever changed me.
That invitation from the
Lord began to unlock an understanding of God that I had never had before.
See, I always knew that
God wanted my heart. But what I didn’t
understand was that when He says He wants our hearts, He doesn’t just want what
we deem as the “good parts”. He wants it
all – the good, the bad and the ugly; the hurt, the broken and the mean.
I knew that the sin, the
negative feelings, the wrong motives that I was thinking about or feeling were
not pleasing to the Lord, so I tried to shove them down and just not think
about them. Push aside the negative that
I knew shouldn’t be there.
If we look in the book of
Psalms, we find that David lived a life of confession. The man after God’s own heart withheld
NOTHING of his own heart from the Lord. In fact, I am amazed at some of the things that David prayed!
In Psalm 109, David is crying
out to God. He has been falsely accused
by his enemies and has been lied about repeatedly. David has tried to love them, but they have
returned evil for his good.
David had had enough. Here is what he prays next about his enemies:
“Set a wicked man over him, and let an accuser stand at his right
hand.
When he is judged, let
him be found guilty, and let his prayer become sin.
Let his days be few,
and let another take his office.
Let his children be
fatherless, and his wife a widow.
Let his children
continually be vagabonds, and beg; let them seek their
bread also from their desolate places.
Let the creditor seize
all that he has, and let strangers plunder his labor.
Let there be none to
extend mercy to him, nor let there be any to favor his fatherless children.
Let his posterity be
cut off, and in the generation following let their name be blotted out.” (Psalm 109:6-13)
Did you know that this passage was in the
Bible? I didn’t! And I was amazed at the honesty that God used
David to model for us.
David wanted his enemies to be punished for what
they had done to him. But instead of
pushing away how he felt, David poured out very evil, angry, bitter thing that he
wanted for his enemies before God.
He told God the truth of how he REALLY felt.
And this was the same invitation God was
extending to me that night.
I had tried for SO long to change my own thoughts
or suppress my own feelings. And for all
of that striving, I was accomplishing little because I was trying to change
myself with my own strength.
Could there be a different way?
So I began a journey of
confession before God. I let it ALL
out. Every angry, bad thing that I had
been withholding. I named every person I
was mad at and what they had done to me. I poured out my anger over my own personal injustice. I cried over my broken heart. I admitted the pride and ugliness that was
rampant. All the things I had been
withholding for so long came rushing out. The dam broke and it poured forth.
It was the ugly cry, friends.
But can I tell you – that confession
was the starting place of a miracle God began to work in my heart. In the
process of confession, the Holy Spirit began to point out and change my
thoughts and feelings.
He uncovered long-buried
hurt.
He dealt with wrong
motives.
He released me from
bitterness.
He taught me how to
forgive.
On my own, my efforts to deal with these points
of struggle in my life had only brought me confusion and pain.
But the Spirit’s gentle work in my heart began to
birth His fruit in my life.
“But the fruit of the
Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,
self-control.” Galatians 5:22-23
There’s a reason these traits are called “the
fruits of the Spirit” and not “the fruits of Jen” – I cannot make myself
patient or kind or...anything.
But submitting to His work, through confession,
allows Him to begin to work these traits in me...and make me more like Jesus.
Friends, are you trying to deal with your hurt on
your own? Trying to push away the anger
or bad feelings? Bring them to your
Father today!! Not only does He WANT to
hear what is burdening your heart – He wants to set you FREE!
Confess the truth of how you are REALLY feeling in
your heart to God. You will see the
Spirit begin to work His fruit in your life!
I am praying and believing for freedom and healing for us all!
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