I was a horrible girlfriend.
I was the girl who you couldn't
leave unattended around your stuff because I would snoop until I found something
to be hurt by. I would get upset over pictures you had of a girl you knew ten
years ago. I would look at your phone and check your calls and texts, and if I
found something I didn't like I didn't waste one second before I accused you of
lying or cheating, whether it was warranted or not. I was needy and desperate
and I'm sure I had to have been exhausting to try to love.
I was
convinced that I was saving myself from some sort of heartache, catching the
offender before they had the chance to betray or hurt me. When I look back
though, I see that every thing I did was led by fear. Fear of the unknown, fear
of losing control, fear of trust, fear of love.
I was so afraid that
something was going to happen that I didn't know about, someone was going to
take what I so badly wanted to keep for myself. I thought that if I stayed just
one step ahead of the game that I could prevent the loss.
I was so
wrong.
I hurt myself over and over, more than I would've been if I had
just allowed things to fall naturally. And the scars are still there. The images
I saw and the words I read are all burned into my brain so deeply. When I think
about the pain that I could've avoided if I had just trusted and obeyed, I can't
help but shake my head at the way I tried to overstep The Lord's plan. I needed
Him so badly, but I was so prideful and full of jealousy that I couldn't notice
the giant hole in my heart that only He could fill.
I was looking to my
boyfriend to fill the space that needed God. I was seeking his affection, his
attention, his approval and his healing. He couldn't give me enough, only God
could. It wasn't until I had hurt myself into a dark corner that God was able to
shine the way out.
I had to put away the envy. The wrath. The jealousy.
The unforgiveness. I had to let it all go and trust that if it all fell apart
that HE would hold me together. HE is all I need.
The struggles of my
former self are still there. The old ways that I knew so well and the hurtful
images and words I saw are still in my mind. They are a reminder that the scars
remain for a reason. But I won't walk around in this world jaded and bitter,
trusting no one and loving only myself. That is not the answer.
God calls
us to put off evil desire, covetness, anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy
language, and lies and to put on the new (wo)man who is filled with tender
mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, long suffering, but above all of these
PUT ON LOVE, which is the bond of perfection.
Bearing with one another,
forgiving one another.
It is an active choice and work to forgive, to
love in spite of wrong doings. The easiest thing is to let the hurt that we feel
hurt others...but this is not the answer. LOVE IS THE ANSWER.
We must
trust that God will fill us when we are empty. Seek His mercy.
Colossians
3:12-14- "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe
yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear
with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against
someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on
love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."
Proverbs 3:5- "Trust
in The Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding"
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